I have enough friends…

let’s just be friends”…exactly the words I didn’t expect to be saying yesterday.

So I’ve known this guy a few months now and things seemed to be going great, we text every day and have great fun when we’re together- there’s even been a cheeky kiss each time we’ve met up. So yesterday I was looking forward to seeing him again. The day started of great, we were normal and playful and it was lovely but by a sharp turn of events he explained he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. I kept my cool, was calm and collected and then came the string of clichés and sickening phrases:

“It’s not you, it’s me”

“I just need to be single right now”

“If I’d met you 6 months ago things would be different”

“Any guy would be lucky to have you”

and then… “I’m still in love with my ex”

Well what the hell am I meant to say to that? Needless to say I felt incredibly insecure and stupid and pathetic. It was awful, I was asking questions to understand what I’d done wrong whilst trying to hold back tears as much as possible. I’d never felt more like a teenage girl in my life.

Of course my heart wasn’t broken and it wasn’t the end of the world. He was lovely in his attempts to console me as I sat on a very cold park bench trying to look a bit less of a mess.I just couldn’t help feeling as though there was something fundamentally wrong with me. It was another “not this again” moment. I know I’m young and still have a while before I’m crowned spinster but it really does suck when you think things might go somewhere and then you get rejected quite suddenly.

I was more upset over the face another guy didn’t want me than because I couldn’t be this guy’s girlfriend- Just another guy to add to the list.

The annoying thing is we do get along really well, so whilst my emotions where going crazy I managed to stay reasonable. I didn’t (luckily) say anything I regretted and we both agreed we do like each others company and will stay friends (let’s see how that works out).

So there you have it.

Another friend to add to my list. Guess what though? still no boyfriend.

Tes.

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I’m looking for you

I’m looking- aren’t we all?

As pathetic as it sounds none of us want to end up alone and that’s why we date, why we try, why we keep looking… we’re just trying to find someone who we can love and who (most importantly) loves us back.

But love is an ideal, that’s the problem isn’t it? I’ve never seen a relationship work out, never envied people in relationships because they’re never perfect and because someone always ends up getting hurt.

I dont want to end up getting hurt.

I dont want to end up alone.

It’s stupid really, that it’s so hard to find something that everyone is looking for. It may not even exist. Or maybe it does exist but not everyone’s meant to find it.

I dont want to end up with a broken heart- I’m fragile enough as it is… yet- I cant help but keep looking and I dont even notice I’m doing it.

Tes.

Bookworm

I love reading. Always have, always will- Ever since I was a little girl I loved the places that books could take me and how authors could make me feel as though I knew the characters. I have treasured books form a young age, I relished trips to the library and could not enter a bookshop without begging for a novel. What can I say- I am a complete geek when it comes to books. I admire authors so much and envy their creativity and imagination, their ability to make readers feel and witness and create. I very rarely cry at films but books…well.

I have a rather stupid weakness and often become too emotionally attached to the characters. I smile when the protagonist realises her love for her best friend, cry when dramatic irony allows me to understand what awful pain the main characters actions will eventually cause them and always, always, always feel empty when I finish a book. I know it sounds incredibly cheesy and corny but in some respects finishing a book is like returning from holiday, you enjoyed it but you cant help but thinking “Now what?” as you are forced to settle back into reality. I realise most people reading this will find me incredibly strange and I guess only true book-lovers will understand what I mean.

I am currently reading the Hunger Games trilogy as a bit of light reading and they are very good books- I got through the first 2 in a day and a half. I have a pile in my room of books that I am eager to read and I actually get excited in thinking that I now have a chance to read all of them now that I’ve finished school.

Another thing which I strongly believe in is that books are better than films- they always are! especially when you read the books first and create all these images and ideas in your mind, only for them all to be shattered in the film by the director’s interpretation. Of course some films are amazing, stunning, breathtaking but I believe that 99.9% of the time a book will be better than it’s film equivalent.

Tes.

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Playing games

There are certain unwritten rules and rituals that every teenager and young adult knows. Unwillingly we all obey these rules meaning we’re all playing games. What I am talking about of course is relationships.

Who makes the first move? Is it okay to text the day after you meet or is that too eager? How soon in to the relationship can you say ‘ I love you’ ? There are so many questions but  in reality there is not just one answer. Every relationship works differently. None of my friends approach relationships in the same manner because we’re all different therefore it only makes sense to have different approaches towards our love life.

What I hate though is the feeling that you have to do certain things when you first meet someone new. Courtship in this day and age is far from romantic- it’s stressful. Both parties realise they’re trying to leave a good impression but in reality are just lying to each other and themselves. Isn’t it best to just be yourself? Do what you feel is right instead of what you’ve been told you should do?

I’m far from a relationship guru but I’ve seen this game played in a million different ways and I myself have done this too. At the end of the day, It’s best to be yourself, they’ll discover the real you soon enough- better sooner than later right?

Playing games is something both sexes are familiar with and guilty of. As someone who hates the concept of relationships regardless- I think that relationships should remain a game-free zone. It’s easy- two people like each other, one asks the other on a date and then they take it from there. Let’s not overcomplicate things guys 😉

Tes.

Dum dum dum dum

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My friends always find it odd how obsessed I am with my wedding considering I’m the one who hates any form of commitment to a person and who’s relationships always end before they truly start. Although at present I know I would be terrible in a relationship I do hope that one day I will find someone that I can afford to be myself with, someone that I’m not scared to open up to or live the rest of my life with.

I guess a wedding for me isn’t just having an absolutely beautiful day, or about being surrounded in happiness. I’ve been a witness to so many failed relationships that I cant possibly imagine one that lasts for ever. My fascination with my own wedding is that I hope that I’ll be able to prove myself wrong, prove that love does exist and that I can find it.

I’ve dreamt up every detail, most girls have. I cry at almost every movie with a wedding and am obsessed with television shows about weddings. weddings are meant to be perfect so what’s wrong with imagining mine a little early? It’s not as if I’m booking florists and photographers just yet but I do know every detail of the day (of course I will never tell any future boyfriends of this as I’m positive this will scare them off).

 Here comes the bride…

Tes.

Daydreaming a song

I’ve always loved singing, I’ve been in choir all my life but I’m more of a singing in the shower girl and tend to pretend I’m not that good purely because I think my friends would be quite surprised if I suddenly unleashed my love for music after hiding it for so long. In addition to singing I love writing, mostly poetry but unfortunately I haven’t been able to write a lot lately because I’ve been so busy with my studies. Today as a bit of a break from revision I went to catch up on my poetry and looking back in my notebook I found an unfinished poem, I didn’t really like it but I liked the emotions I had behind it and I remembered exactly when and why I wrote it. I tried writing another poem and it didnt feel right. So… I tried my hand at songwriting. Here’s the end result- tell me what you think (unless you think it really sucks and in that case just ignore it haha).

 

My Song:

They never really teach you ‘bout love

Its just an urban myth

A fairytale, a goal, something we aim to be in

But then when I saw you, I thought that finally…

I’d understand

Ohhh ohhh

 

Now I’m wishing I’d never let go…

 that easily of my pride.

So used to being careful

and now there’s nothing left to hide behind

Guess at least now I know

What it feels to be in love

And although it’s a fairy-tale

It’s not one I’m that fond of

In my eyes you were flawless

And that’s what made me scared

I knew from the beginning

That it was destined to end

But I let you fool me into thinking

That you really cared

 

Chorus

(bridge)

At the time it felt right

To just let you love me

But now look what it’s done

What was meant to be love

Has not only broke my heart

But it helped you to break me

 

Chorus x2

 

So thanks for teaching me

What it means to be in love

I’m building up my walls again

Now you’ve proved that I’m not tough

And thanks for all the memories

That I never can erase

Love I will forget about

But you? Well no one forgets pain.

Ohhh. (fade out)

well there it is, I may record myself singing it if anyone wants? well let me know

Tes.

Sorting out my karma

The beauty of having an imagination is that you’re able to experience things you normally wouldn’t if you were simply living your normal life. Some people are leading these amazing inspiring lives and yet here I am, sitting at my computer writing this instead of going out in the world inspiring someone. I like to think I have a good imagination, every night before I go to sleep I conjure up thoughts of what I want to happen in the future and dream of what could be. That’s not to say that I’m unhappy with my life at the moment but I think that I could be happier, that I could make the beautiful moments I imagine become a reality.

“We live in the hope of becoming a memory”

I’m not quite sure who said that but I remember coming across it once and that’s exactly my view on life. It sounds stupid but if I die having made no impact in the world, then what was the point of me living at all? I want people to read my obituary and think “damn. She’s amazing” but in order to that, I’m going to have to do something amazing and I think it’s best to do this whilst I’m still young. I turn 18 in a month and instead of spending my first year as a legal adult clubbing, drinking and spending way too much time thinking about boys (although I guarantee I’ll probably be doing that too) I vow that I will also be doing things worth doing and at least making someone’s life a little bit happier.

I haven’t thought of just how yet and I’m honestly not much of a carpe dium person so I urge anyone who reads this to give me some suggestions. As Anne Frank wrote “How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.” I’m not saying that I’m powerful enough to improve the world because honestly I am so insignificant. Yet, anyone can make a little difference and I’m starting small but at least I’m starting to make a change to my life and hopefully that will possibly affect someone else’s.

Share your stories, ideas and thoughts please!

Tes.