Sadness

Sadness is like a drug. It distorts everything but you become so used to it that taking it away becomes abnormal. I don’t even know what it means to be happy. I have everything I need and a hell of a lot more but I can’t shake the feeling of sadness and it’s almost embarrassing to say that out loud because I know that my problems and insecurities and all that jazz are nothing compared to what 99.99% of the rest of the world has to go through. Every life comes with struggles but even the people with the darkest secrets and heaviest loads manage to be happy- so what’s stopping me from truly finding happiness? Not just getting glimpses and good days but being able to see the beauty in life again and never having to fake a smile. That’s what I want to achieve in this life.

Tes.

Advertisements

Self destruct in 5 seconds

We’re our own worst enemies.

It’s normal to feel emotions like betrayal. There’s someone lately who I feel has betrayed me, who has let me down and treated me badly and I feel like I need justification and an explanation of his actions for my own peace of mind. But you know what I realised? He isn’t thinking about me, he’s not feeling guilty about what he’s done, hell, he probably doesn’t even realised he’s upset me. I’m making myself upset by thinking about it so much, by longing for answers that I’ll never get.

We’re all so self destructive, caring too much about things and people who aren’t doing the same. Wasting energy is all it is. I’m going to try and forget people who have forgotten me when they were too busy being reckless.

People always have the tools to destroy others and often they will but if we’re a little less self-pitying and self-loathing we can maybe destroy the self destructive part of ourselves.

Tes.

Daydreaming a song

I’ve always loved singing, I’ve been in choir all my life but I’m more of a singing in the shower girl and tend to pretend I’m not that good purely because I think my friends would be quite surprised if I suddenly unleashed my love for music after hiding it for so long. In addition to singing I love writing, mostly poetry but unfortunately I haven’t been able to write a lot lately because I’ve been so busy with my studies. Today as a bit of a break from revision I went to catch up on my poetry and looking back in my notebook I found an unfinished poem, I didn’t really like it but I liked the emotions I had behind it and I remembered exactly when and why I wrote it. I tried writing another poem and it didnt feel right. So… I tried my hand at songwriting. Here’s the end result- tell me what you think (unless you think it really sucks and in that case just ignore it haha).

 

My Song:

They never really teach you ‘bout love

Its just an urban myth

A fairytale, a goal, something we aim to be in

But then when I saw you, I thought that finally…

I’d understand

Ohhh ohhh

 

Now I’m wishing I’d never let go…

 that easily of my pride.

So used to being careful

and now there’s nothing left to hide behind

Guess at least now I know

What it feels to be in love

And although it’s a fairy-tale

It’s not one I’m that fond of

In my eyes you were flawless

And that’s what made me scared

I knew from the beginning

That it was destined to end

But I let you fool me into thinking

That you really cared

 

Chorus

(bridge)

At the time it felt right

To just let you love me

But now look what it’s done

What was meant to be love

Has not only broke my heart

But it helped you to break me

 

Chorus x2

 

So thanks for teaching me

What it means to be in love

I’m building up my walls again

Now you’ve proved that I’m not tough

And thanks for all the memories

That I never can erase

Love I will forget about

But you? Well no one forgets pain.

Ohhh. (fade out)

well there it is, I may record myself singing it if anyone wants? well let me know

Tes.