Sadness

Sadness is like a drug. It distorts everything but you become so used to it that taking it away becomes abnormal. I don’t even know what it means to be happy. I have everything I need and a hell of a lot more but I can’t shake the feeling of sadness and it’s almost embarrassing to say that out loud because I know that my problems and insecurities and all that jazz are nothing compared to what 99.99% of the rest of the world has to go through. Every life comes with struggles but even the people with the darkest secrets and heaviest loads manage to be happy- so what’s stopping me from truly finding happiness? Not just getting glimpses and good days but being able to see the beauty in life again and never having to fake a smile. That’s what I want to achieve in this life.

Tes.

I have enough friends…

let’s just be friends”…exactly the words I didn’t expect to be saying yesterday.

So I’ve known this guy a few months now and things seemed to be going great, we text every day and have great fun when we’re together- there’s even been a cheeky kiss each time we’ve met up. So yesterday I was looking forward to seeing him again. The day started of great, we were normal and playful and it was lovely but by a sharp turn of events he explained he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. I kept my cool, was calm and collected and then came the string of clichés and sickening phrases:

“It’s not you, it’s me”

“I just need to be single right now”

“If I’d met you 6 months ago things would be different”

“Any guy would be lucky to have you”

and then… “I’m still in love with my ex”

Well what the hell am I meant to say to that? Needless to say I felt incredibly insecure and stupid and pathetic. It was awful, I was asking questions to understand what I’d done wrong whilst trying to hold back tears as much as possible. I’d never felt more like a teenage girl in my life.

Of course my heart wasn’t broken and it wasn’t the end of the world. He was lovely in his attempts to console me as I sat on a very cold park bench trying to look a bit less of a mess.I just couldn’t help feeling as though there was something fundamentally wrong with me. It was another “not this again” moment. I know I’m young and still have a while before I’m crowned spinster but it really does suck when you think things might go somewhere and then you get rejected quite suddenly.

I was more upset over the face another guy didn’t want me than because I couldn’t be this guy’s girlfriend- Just another guy to add to the list.

The annoying thing is we do get along really well, so whilst my emotions where going crazy I managed to stay reasonable. I didn’t (luckily) say anything I regretted and we both agreed we do like each others company and will stay friends (let’s see how that works out).

So there you have it.

Another friend to add to my list. Guess what though? still no boyfriend.

Tes.