I’m an actress

People tell you to think with your heart.

I think our hearts are self destructive, they’re risk takers, illogical and quite frankly pretty stupid.

So I try and think with my brain. That’s what it’s there for isn’t it?

Yesterday I had one of those awful moments where you run into someone from your past, someone that you still hoped would be a part of your present. What did I want to do? well I wanted to be illogical and get upset that he was there in the same club as me and get mad about what had happened and question what I still don’t understand. I didn’t want to go up to him and be civil and charming and act as though he was my friend.

but I did.

I walked up to him and tapped his shoulder nervously but feigning confidence, I said hello, smiled and hugged him and entered polite chit chat. He struggled to understand what I was saying because of the loud club music which was a little awkward but the fact is- I spoke to him. I was charming, confident and acted as though it was no big deal talking to him. I spoke to him as I was leaving to, just to say goodbye.

I probably will never see him or speak to him again. So I’m glad I listened to my brain, I didn’t want to be the girl shouting at someone who was just on a night out with his friends, someone I haven’t seen in two months and really hasn’t done anything terrible to me. Following my heart would have blown this out of proportion, thank god I was sober! Now I’m just a nice girl, I could have been a nightmare. I have been a nightmare to other people before purely for letting my heart or my feelings take control.

I’m still trying to figure out how to be an adult but lesson learnt yesterday? sometimes you just have to pretend everything’s okay and that you aren’t nervous or angry or whatever… Sometimes it’s healthier to be an actress.

Tes.

Intoxication

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It seems as though nowadays it’s impossible to be tee-total and social. Every event/ occasion/ meeting involves alcohol! I struggle to think of the last time that I went out without there being someone consuming alcohol.

It’s all fine though right? Everyone’s legal, everyone’s happy.

But that’s just it. When it comes to alcohol someone will end up being unhappy. It’s not even the case of people being depressed drunks, there are: angry drunks, people who are sick when they drunk, people who get too brave under the influence and do things they regret and worse of all- there’s always that poor sober person witnessing the mess and wishing they hadn’t left their home.

I’m not going to lecture you about how harmful alcohol can be for your physical health- that everyone knows and still chooses to take a gamble on. The emotional side effects of alcohol are what I’m more interested in. People seem to think of alcohol as a solution because society tells us that’s acceptable- That instead of growing up and dealing with our problems, teenagers like me should be doing shots to try and forget whatever stupid petty thing we’re sulking over. Truth is alcohol only makes things worse, under influence we only get more angry, more upset and we have even less control over the situation because we have less control over our selves.

This weekend I was forced to look after my friend and her boyfriend after they both overdid it on the alcohol front. They were having a tricky time in their relationship and both seemed to be drinking because of that. The result? Me and my other friend looking after these two people who were so embarrassingly drunk (falling over, throwing up, screaming and crying) that I wished the ground would swallow me up. 4 people’s nights ruined and the situation worsened.

I have nothing against social drinking but alcohol is not the antidote to my generation’s usually selfish and silly problems. I don’t think it’s about whether you’re old enough to drink, it’s more important that you don’t abuse the substance when quite frankly, most people cannot handle it.

Tes.

Take me back

Everyone told me that 18 is the best age- legal and able to do anything I want but still young enough for it to be okay to mess up. I’m not so sure. See, being 18 has had it’s perks, I can drink legally, live by myself and go clubbing- all the things I’d dreamed of since I was a little girl.

But thinking of all these perks, well, It’s made me very aware of how quickly I’m ‘growing up’. I mean I’m 18. I don’t live with my parents any more, I’ve taken out loans and am in control of my own finances, I buy my own groceries and cleaning products. In short, I look after myself now and It’s bloody terrifying.

It almost feels as though as we get older and our lives become more serious and hectic, we simultaneously decide that we have to be less reliant on others. Call me naive but isn’t this when we most need the support of others?

I was in such a rush to get here. To finally have complete control of my whole life and now I understand why people told me to be a kid, I’d give anything to relive my childhood, where my mum could fix all my problems and when I thought independence was choosing my own outfit.

Life isn’t simple any more and whilst it is more real now and more exciting… I cant help feeling a little nostalgic at times and wishing that someone would take me back to when every day was an adventure, when life still seemed so beautiful and I didn’t have to worry about a damn thing.

Tes.

What are you thinking about?

Your know life is pretty damn confusing. I don’t think it ever stops surprising you.

I was speaking to my friend the other day and I said to her “I think I just think differently to other people” she replied saying “yea, you really do but I don’t really think anyone thinks the same” and you know what? I think she’s right. If we all thought the same way then there wouldn’t be any misunderstandings, we wouldn’t judge (or be judged) and we’d all have the same morals. Thinking in different ways is what makes life so confusing and crazy but I’d rather that than the alternative- a world where you’re essentially exactly the same as those around you.

I think every young teenage girl goes through a stage of thinking no-one understands them and of feeling completely lonely but now I’m older I realise that wasn’t really a phase, that most of the time there will be people who don’t understand you and that’s fine. What really counts is people who want to be able to understand you even if they have no clue what you’re on about.

Tes.

Dum dum dum dum

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My friends always find it odd how obsessed I am with my wedding considering I’m the one who hates any form of commitment to a person and who’s relationships always end before they truly start. Although at present I know I would be terrible in a relationship I do hope that one day I will find someone that I can afford to be myself with, someone that I’m not scared to open up to or live the rest of my life with.

I guess a wedding for me isn’t just having an absolutely beautiful day, or about being surrounded in happiness. I’ve been a witness to so many failed relationships that I cant possibly imagine one that lasts for ever. My fascination with my own wedding is that I hope that I’ll be able to prove myself wrong, prove that love does exist and that I can find it.

I’ve dreamt up every detail, most girls have. I cry at almost every movie with a wedding and am obsessed with television shows about weddings. weddings are meant to be perfect so what’s wrong with imagining mine a little early? It’s not as if I’m booking florists and photographers just yet but I do know every detail of the day (of course I will never tell any future boyfriends of this as I’m positive this will scare them off).

 Here comes the bride…

Tes.

Sorting out my karma

The beauty of having an imagination is that you’re able to experience things you normally wouldn’t if you were simply living your normal life. Some people are leading these amazing inspiring lives and yet here I am, sitting at my computer writing this instead of going out in the world inspiring someone. I like to think I have a good imagination, every night before I go to sleep I conjure up thoughts of what I want to happen in the future and dream of what could be. That’s not to say that I’m unhappy with my life at the moment but I think that I could be happier, that I could make the beautiful moments I imagine become a reality.

“We live in the hope of becoming a memory”

I’m not quite sure who said that but I remember coming across it once and that’s exactly my view on life. It sounds stupid but if I die having made no impact in the world, then what was the point of me living at all? I want people to read my obituary and think “damn. She’s amazing” but in order to that, I’m going to have to do something amazing and I think it’s best to do this whilst I’m still young. I turn 18 in a month and instead of spending my first year as a legal adult clubbing, drinking and spending way too much time thinking about boys (although I guarantee I’ll probably be doing that too) I vow that I will also be doing things worth doing and at least making someone’s life a little bit happier.

I haven’t thought of just how yet and I’m honestly not much of a carpe dium person so I urge anyone who reads this to give me some suggestions. As Anne Frank wrote “How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.” I’m not saying that I’m powerful enough to improve the world because honestly I am so insignificant. Yet, anyone can make a little difference and I’m starting small but at least I’m starting to make a change to my life and hopefully that will possibly affect someone else’s.

Share your stories, ideas and thoughts please!

Tes.

Mwuahh

What’s in a kiss?

It’s such a simple action, everyone knows how to kiss- it’s instinct but I think kissing has lost its  meaning over the years.

You know in those soppy romantic films? The ones where you watch the girl and the boy fall in love after dealing with all these struggles and problems, tears and heartache? The most important part of those films is the kiss. Usually right at the end of the film, with an upbeat song in the background, the boy leans in and kisses the girl and it just seems perfect. It’s as if they’re the most important thing in the world in that moment. I’m only young but I know full well I will never experience a kiss that makes me feel like that.

Kissing nowadays is almost as casual as saying hello. You cant expect to do any kind of social activity without someone hooking up with someone. Parties, gatherings or anything that involves alcohol will enivitably mean that someone will end up being kissed and although we are still yound and this is what youth does, the romantic in me feels as if that isn’t enough. I grew up expecting every kiss to be like the perfect-movie-being-swept-of-my-feet-kissed-in-the-rain-world-becomes-a-blur kiss and so far- nothing. I think in the society I live in, kissing isn’t a significant romantic stand-alone action but more just a prelude to sex or even just a casual ‘activity’ as such.

I dont think its fair to say romance is dead but in my generation- it’s certainly dying.

Tes.