Sadness is like a drug. It distorts everything but you become so used to it that taking it away becomes abnormal. I don’t even know what it means to be happy. I have everything I need and a hell of a lot more but I can’t shake the feeling of sadness and it’s almost embarrassing to say that out loud because I know that my problems and insecurities and all that jazz are nothing compared to what 99.99% of the rest of the world has to go through. Every life comes with struggles but even the people with the darkest secrets and heaviest loads manage to be happy- so what’s stopping me from truly finding happiness? Not just getting glimpses and good days but being able to see the beauty in life again and never having to fake a smile. That’s what I want to achieve in this life.
It’s normal to feel emotions like betrayal. There’s someone lately who I feel has betrayed me, who has let me down and treated me badly and I feel like I need justification and an explanation of his actions for my own peace of mind. But you know what I realised? He isn’t thinking about me, he’s not feeling guilty about what he’s done, hell, he probably doesn’t even realised he’s upset me. I’m making myself upset by thinking about it so much, by longing for answers that I’ll never get.
We’re all so self destructive, caring too much about things and people who aren’t doing the same. Wasting energy is all it is. I’m going to try and forget people who have forgotten me when they were too busy being reckless.
People always have the tools to destroy others and often they will but if we’re a little less self-pitying and self-loathing we can maybe destroy the self destructive part of ourselves.
“let’s just be friends”…exactly the words I didn’t expect to be saying yesterday.
So I’ve known this guy a few months now and things seemed to be going great, we text every day and have great fun when we’re together- there’s even been a cheeky kiss each time we’ve met up. So yesterday I was looking forward to seeing him again. The day started of great, we were normal and playful and it was lovely but by a sharp turn of events he explained he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. I kept my cool, was calm and collected and then came the string of clichés and sickening phrases:
“It’s not you, it’s me”
“I just need to be single right now”
“If I’d met you 6 months ago things would be different”
“Any guy would be lucky to have you”
and then… “I’m still in love with my ex”
Well what the hell am I meant to say to that? Needless to say I felt incredibly insecure and stupid and pathetic. It was awful, I was asking questions to understand what I’d done wrong whilst trying to hold back tears as much as possible. I’d never felt more like a teenage girl in my life.
Of course my heart wasn’t broken and it wasn’t the end of the world. He was lovely in his attempts to console me as I sat on a very cold park bench trying to look a bit less of a mess.I just couldn’t help feeling as though there was something fundamentally wrong with me. It was another “not this again” moment. I know I’m young and still have a while before I’m crowned spinster but it really does suck when you think things might go somewhere and then you get rejected quite suddenly.
I was more upset over the face another guy didn’t want me than because I couldn’t be this guy’s girlfriend- Just another guy to add to the list.
The annoying thing is we do get along really well, so whilst my emotions where going crazy I managed to stay reasonable. I didn’t (luckily) say anything I regretted and we both agreed we do like each others company and will stay friends (let’s see how that works out).
So there you have it.
Another friend to add to my list. Guess what though? still no boyfriend.
I think our hearts are self destructive, they’re risk takers, illogical and quite frankly pretty stupid.
So I try and think with my brain. That’s what it’s there for isn’t it?
Yesterday I had one of those awful moments where you run into someone from your past, someone that you still hoped would be a part of your present. What did I want to do? well I wanted to be illogical and get upset that he was there in the same club as me and get mad about what had happened and question what I still don’t understand. I didn’t want to go up to him and be civil and charming and act as though he was my friend.
but I did.
I walked up to him and tapped his shoulder nervously but feigning confidence, I said hello, smiled and hugged him and entered polite chit chat. He struggled to understand what I was saying because of the loud club music which was a little awkward but the fact is- I spoke to him. I was charming, confident and acted as though it was no big deal talking to him. I spoke to him as I was leaving to, just to say goodbye.
I probably will never see him or speak to him again. So I’m glad I listened to my brain, I didn’t want to be the girl shouting at someone who was just on a night out with his friends, someone I haven’t seen in two months and really hasn’t done anything terrible to me. Following my heart would have blown this out of proportion, thank god I was sober! Now I’m just a nice girl, I could have been a nightmare. I have been a nightmare to other people before purely for letting my heart or my feelings take control.
I’m still trying to figure out how to be an adult but lesson learnt yesterday? sometimes you just have to pretend everything’s okay and that you aren’t nervous or angry or whatever… Sometimes it’s healthier to be an actress.
It seems as though nowadays it’s impossible to be tee-total and social. Every event/ occasion/ meeting involves alcohol! I struggle to think of the last time that I went out without there being someone consuming alcohol.
It’s all fine though right? Everyone’s legal, everyone’s happy.
But that’s just it. When it comes to alcohol someone will end up being unhappy. It’s not even the case of people being depressed drunks, there are: angry drunks, people who are sick when they drunk, people who get too brave under the influence and do things they regret and worse of all- there’s always that poor sober person witnessing the mess and wishing they hadn’t left their home.
I’m not going to lecture you about how harmful alcohol can be for your physical health- that everyone knows and still chooses to take a gamble on. The emotional side effects of alcohol are what I’m more interested in. People seem to think of alcohol as a solution because society tells us that’s acceptable- That instead of growing up and dealing with our problems, teenagers like me should be doing shots to try and forget whatever stupid petty thing we’re sulking over. Truth is alcohol only makes things worse, under influence we only get more angry, more upset and we have even less control over the situation because we have less control over our selves.
This weekend I was forced to look after my friend and her boyfriend after they both overdid it on the alcohol front. They were having a tricky time in their relationship and both seemed to be drinking because of that. The result? Me and my other friend looking after these two people who were so embarrassingly drunk (falling over, throwing up, screaming and crying) that I wished the ground would swallow me up. 4 people’s nights ruined and the situation worsened.
I have nothing against social drinking but alcohol is not the antidote to my generation’s usually selfish and silly problems. I don’t think it’s about whether you’re old enough to drink, it’s more important that you don’t abuse the substance when quite frankly, most people cannot handle it.
Everyone told me that 18 is the best age- legal and able to do anything I want but still young enough for it to be okay to mess up. I’m not so sure. See, being 18 has had it’s perks, I can drink legally, live by myself and go clubbing- all the things I’d dreamed of since I was a little girl.
But thinking of all these perks, well, It’s made me very aware of how quickly I’m ‘growing up’. I mean I’m 18. I don’t live with my parents any more, I’ve taken out loans and am in control of my own finances, I buy my own groceries and cleaning products. In short, I look after myself now and It’s bloody terrifying.
It almost feels as though as we get older and our lives become more serious and hectic, we simultaneously decide that we have to be less reliant on others. Call me naive but isn’t this when we most need the support of others?
I was in such a rush to get here. To finally have complete control of my whole life and now I understand why people told me to be a kid, I’d give anything to relive my childhood, where my mum could fix all my problems and when I thought independence was choosing my own outfit.
Life isn’t simple any more and whilst it is more real now and more exciting… I cant help feeling a little nostalgic at times and wishing that someone would take me back to when every day was an adventure, when life still seemed so beautiful and I didn’t have to worry about a damn thing.
As pathetic as it sounds none of us want to end up alone and that’s why we date, why we try, why we keep looking… we’re just trying to find someone who we can love and who (most importantly) loves us back.
But love is an ideal, that’s the problem isn’t it? I’ve never seen a relationship work out, never envied people in relationships because they’re never perfect and because someone always ends up getting hurt.
I dont want to end up getting hurt.
I dont want to end up alone.
It’s stupid really, that it’s so hard to find something that everyone is looking for. It may not even exist. Or maybe it does exist but not everyone’s meant to find it.
I dont want to end up with a broken heart- I’m fragile enough as it is… yet- I cant help but keep looking and I dont even notice I’m doing it.