Self destruct in 5 seconds

We’re our own worst enemies.

It’s normal to feel emotions like betrayal. There’s someone lately who I feel has betrayed me, who has let me down and treated me badly and I feel like I need justification and an explanation of his actions for my own peace of mind. But you know what I realised? He isn’t thinking about me, he’s not feeling guilty about what he’s done, hell, he probably doesn’t even realised he’s upset me. I’m making myself upset by thinking about it so much, by longing for answers that I’ll never get.

We’re all so self destructive, caring too much about things and people who aren’t doing the same. Wasting energy is all it is. I’m going to try and forget people who have forgotten me when they were too busy being reckless.

People always have the tools to destroy others and often they will but if we’re a little less self-pitying and self-loathing we can maybe destroy the self destructive part of ourselves.

Tes.

I have enough friends…

let’s just be friends”…exactly the words I didn’t expect to be saying yesterday.

So I’ve known this guy a few months now and things seemed to be going great, we text every day and have great fun when we’re together- there’s even been a cheeky kiss each time we’ve met up. So yesterday I was looking forward to seeing him again. The day started of great, we were normal and playful and it was lovely but by a sharp turn of events he explained he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. I kept my cool, was calm and collected and then came the string of clichés and sickening phrases:

“It’s not you, it’s me”

“I just need to be single right now”

“If I’d met you 6 months ago things would be different”

“Any guy would be lucky to have you”

and then… “I’m still in love with my ex”

Well what the hell am I meant to say to that? Needless to say I felt incredibly insecure and stupid and pathetic. It was awful, I was asking questions to understand what I’d done wrong whilst trying to hold back tears as much as possible. I’d never felt more like a teenage girl in my life.

Of course my heart wasn’t broken and it wasn’t the end of the world. He was lovely in his attempts to console me as I sat on a very cold park bench trying to look a bit less of a mess.I just couldn’t help feeling as though there was something fundamentally wrong with me. It was another “not this again” moment. I know I’m young and still have a while before I’m crowned spinster but it really does suck when you think things might go somewhere and then you get rejected quite suddenly.

I was more upset over the face another guy didn’t want me than because I couldn’t be this guy’s girlfriend- Just another guy to add to the list.

The annoying thing is we do get along really well, so whilst my emotions where going crazy I managed to stay reasonable. I didn’t (luckily) say anything I regretted and we both agreed we do like each others company and will stay friends (let’s see how that works out).

So there you have it.

Another friend to add to my list. Guess what though? still no boyfriend.

Tes.

I’m an actress

People tell you to think with your heart.

I think our hearts are self destructive, they’re risk takers, illogical and quite frankly pretty stupid.

So I try and think with my brain. That’s what it’s there for isn’t it?

Yesterday I had one of those awful moments where you run into someone from your past, someone that you still hoped would be a part of your present. What did I want to do? well I wanted to be illogical and get upset that he was there in the same club as me and get mad about what had happened and question what I still don’t understand. I didn’t want to go up to him and be civil and charming and act as though he was my friend.

but I did.

I walked up to him and tapped his shoulder nervously but feigning confidence, I said hello, smiled and hugged him and entered polite chit chat. He struggled to understand what I was saying because of the loud club music which was a little awkward but the fact is- I spoke to him. I was charming, confident and acted as though it was no big deal talking to him. I spoke to him as I was leaving to, just to say goodbye.

I probably will never see him or speak to him again. So I’m glad I listened to my brain, I didn’t want to be the girl shouting at someone who was just on a night out with his friends, someone I haven’t seen in two months and really hasn’t done anything terrible to me. Following my heart would have blown this out of proportion, thank god I was sober! Now I’m just a nice girl, I could have been a nightmare. I have been a nightmare to other people before purely for letting my heart or my feelings take control.

I’m still trying to figure out how to be an adult but lesson learnt yesterday? sometimes you just have to pretend everything’s okay and that you aren’t nervous or angry or whatever… Sometimes it’s healthier to be an actress.

Tes.

I’m looking for you

I’m looking- aren’t we all?

As pathetic as it sounds none of us want to end up alone and that’s why we date, why we try, why we keep looking… we’re just trying to find someone who we can love and who (most importantly) loves us back.

But love is an ideal, that’s the problem isn’t it? I’ve never seen a relationship work out, never envied people in relationships because they’re never perfect and because someone always ends up getting hurt.

I dont want to end up getting hurt.

I dont want to end up alone.

It’s stupid really, that it’s so hard to find something that everyone is looking for. It may not even exist. Or maybe it does exist but not everyone’s meant to find it.

I dont want to end up with a broken heart- I’m fragile enough as it is… yet- I cant help but keep looking and I dont even notice I’m doing it.

Tes.

First date kisses

First dates are usually awkward because of all the nerves and usually you’re both still getting to know each other but I’ve been very lucky in the first-date department and have managed to steer clear of awkward silences and fake laughter.

Having said that, I’ve never been kissed on a first date. I know some girls have that as a rule ( you know, wont kiss on the first date, wont etc.) but I don’t follow these damn rules so I don’t understand how this has happened on every date I’ve been on (not that I’ve been on a bucketful of dates). It’s like a pattern: meet the guy, guy asks me out, have a good date and then no kiss, then me at home feeling a little disappointed. After my last date I had a chat with my best friend “I don’t understand why it happens EVERY single time, I must give off a don’t-kiss-me kinda vibe” and my friend just replied “of course not, people just don’t kiss on the first date”.

People don’t kiss on the first date? well that’s news to me and not news I appreciate. Whilst I appreciate guys being respectful towards me and acting like gentlemen, I guess I’m still a little insecure and being viewed as a kiss-free zone is anything but flattering.

Let’s hope second dates are a bit more romantic…

Tes.

Playing games

There are certain unwritten rules and rituals that every teenager and young adult knows. Unwillingly we all obey these rules meaning we’re all playing games. What I am talking about of course is relationships.

Who makes the first move? Is it okay to text the day after you meet or is that too eager? How soon in to the relationship can you say ‘ I love you’ ? There are so many questions but  in reality there is not just one answer. Every relationship works differently. None of my friends approach relationships in the same manner because we’re all different therefore it only makes sense to have different approaches towards our love life.

What I hate though is the feeling that you have to do certain things when you first meet someone new. Courtship in this day and age is far from romantic- it’s stressful. Both parties realise they’re trying to leave a good impression but in reality are just lying to each other and themselves. Isn’t it best to just be yourself? Do what you feel is right instead of what you’ve been told you should do?

I’m far from a relationship guru but I’ve seen this game played in a million different ways and I myself have done this too. At the end of the day, It’s best to be yourself, they’ll discover the real you soon enough- better sooner than later right?

Playing games is something both sexes are familiar with and guilty of. As someone who hates the concept of relationships regardless- I think that relationships should remain a game-free zone. It’s easy- two people like each other, one asks the other on a date and then they take it from there. Let’s not overcomplicate things guys 😉

Tes.

Dum dum dum dum

Image

My friends always find it odd how obsessed I am with my wedding considering I’m the one who hates any form of commitment to a person and who’s relationships always end before they truly start. Although at present I know I would be terrible in a relationship I do hope that one day I will find someone that I can afford to be myself with, someone that I’m not scared to open up to or live the rest of my life with.

I guess a wedding for me isn’t just having an absolutely beautiful day, or about being surrounded in happiness. I’ve been a witness to so many failed relationships that I cant possibly imagine one that lasts for ever. My fascination with my own wedding is that I hope that I’ll be able to prove myself wrong, prove that love does exist and that I can find it.

I’ve dreamt up every detail, most girls have. I cry at almost every movie with a wedding and am obsessed with television shows about weddings. weddings are meant to be perfect so what’s wrong with imagining mine a little early? It’s not as if I’m booking florists and photographers just yet but I do know every detail of the day (of course I will never tell any future boyfriends of this as I’m positive this will scare them off).

 Here comes the bride…

Tes.

Daydreaming a song

I’ve always loved singing, I’ve been in choir all my life but I’m more of a singing in the shower girl and tend to pretend I’m not that good purely because I think my friends would be quite surprised if I suddenly unleashed my love for music after hiding it for so long. In addition to singing I love writing, mostly poetry but unfortunately I haven’t been able to write a lot lately because I’ve been so busy with my studies. Today as a bit of a break from revision I went to catch up on my poetry and looking back in my notebook I found an unfinished poem, I didn’t really like it but I liked the emotions I had behind it and I remembered exactly when and why I wrote it. I tried writing another poem and it didnt feel right. So… I tried my hand at songwriting. Here’s the end result- tell me what you think (unless you think it really sucks and in that case just ignore it haha).

 

My Song:

They never really teach you ‘bout love

Its just an urban myth

A fairytale, a goal, something we aim to be in

But then when I saw you, I thought that finally…

I’d understand

Ohhh ohhh

 

Now I’m wishing I’d never let go…

 that easily of my pride.

So used to being careful

and now there’s nothing left to hide behind

Guess at least now I know

What it feels to be in love

And although it’s a fairy-tale

It’s not one I’m that fond of

In my eyes you were flawless

And that’s what made me scared

I knew from the beginning

That it was destined to end

But I let you fool me into thinking

That you really cared

 

Chorus

(bridge)

At the time it felt right

To just let you love me

But now look what it’s done

What was meant to be love

Has not only broke my heart

But it helped you to break me

 

Chorus x2

 

So thanks for teaching me

What it means to be in love

I’m building up my walls again

Now you’ve proved that I’m not tough

And thanks for all the memories

That I never can erase

Love I will forget about

But you? Well no one forgets pain.

Ohhh. (fade out)

well there it is, I may record myself singing it if anyone wants? well let me know

Tes.

Mwuahh

What’s in a kiss?

It’s such a simple action, everyone knows how to kiss- it’s instinct but I think kissing has lost its  meaning over the years.

You know in those soppy romantic films? The ones where you watch the girl and the boy fall in love after dealing with all these struggles and problems, tears and heartache? The most important part of those films is the kiss. Usually right at the end of the film, with an upbeat song in the background, the boy leans in and kisses the girl and it just seems perfect. It’s as if they’re the most important thing in the world in that moment. I’m only young but I know full well I will never experience a kiss that makes me feel like that.

Kissing nowadays is almost as casual as saying hello. You cant expect to do any kind of social activity without someone hooking up with someone. Parties, gatherings or anything that involves alcohol will enivitably mean that someone will end up being kissed and although we are still yound and this is what youth does, the romantic in me feels as if that isn’t enough. I grew up expecting every kiss to be like the perfect-movie-being-swept-of-my-feet-kissed-in-the-rain-world-becomes-a-blur kiss and so far- nothing. I think in the society I live in, kissing isn’t a significant romantic stand-alone action but more just a prelude to sex or even just a casual ‘activity’ as such.

I dont think its fair to say romance is dead but in my generation- it’s certainly dying.

Tes.

Growing Up

I wouldn’t classify myself as a grown up, I still have a lot of maturing to do but I’m getting there… it’s just taking an awfully long time before I feel sure enough to call myself an adult.

One thing I’ve learnt though this is that growing up means growing out of things. I realised I no longer fit into my girly pink bedroom and so painted it a deeper purple, I don’t go on social networking sites as often as I used to and I have to do lists on my phone instead of time-consuming apps. All these things are inevitable when becoming an adult, they’re just acquiring different tastes and thinking in a more mature manner and truth be told we all know that we’re going to have to change a few things as we get older because there is nothing worse than someone who doesn’t act age appropriate.

Although I may accept changing tastes and hobbies slightly, there is one thing that I never thought I’d grow out of…my friends. When you have people you’re close to and share everything with it’s impossible to imagine your life without them, they become like family and when you know them for a long time you start to see them as part of your future. Looking back on the past few months, it’s obvious how much I’ve changed and how unwilling I am to deal with certain behaviour which sadly my best friend has started to possess. Over the past few years I’ve had many arguments and fall outs as everyone does but I thought that was something I left behind with childhood.

On a daily basis I deal with people who are determined to ignore me or hate me because of some petty issue- that I can deal with, but distance in a relationship for no reason at all? It hurts a lot because I know there’s not much to do- we’ve grown apart because we’ve grown up and with that the friendship I once thought would be unbreakable has slowly started to deteriorate and soon enough will be too weak to save.

Tes.