Self destruct in 5 seconds

We’re our own worst enemies.

It’s normal to feel emotions like betrayal. There’s someone lately who I feel has betrayed me, who has let me down and treated me badly and I feel like I need justification and an explanation of his actions for my own peace of mind. But you know what I realised? He isn’t thinking about me, he’s not feeling guilty about what he’s done, hell, he probably doesn’t even realised he’s upset me. I’m making myself upset by thinking about it so much, by longing for answers that I’ll never get.

We’re all so self destructive, caring too much about things and people who aren’t doing the same. Wasting energy is all it is. I’m going to try and forget people who have forgotten me when they were too busy being reckless.

People always have the tools to destroy others and often they will but if we’re a little less self-pitying and self-loathing we can maybe destroy the self destructive part of ourselves.

Tes.

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I have enough friends…

let’s just be friends”…exactly the words I didn’t expect to be saying yesterday.

So I’ve known this guy a few months now and things seemed to be going great, we text every day and have great fun when we’re together- there’s even been a cheeky kiss each time we’ve met up. So yesterday I was looking forward to seeing him again. The day started of great, we were normal and playful and it was lovely but by a sharp turn of events he explained he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. I kept my cool, was calm and collected and then came the string of clichés and sickening phrases:

“It’s not you, it’s me”

“I just need to be single right now”

“If I’d met you 6 months ago things would be different”

“Any guy would be lucky to have you”

and then… “I’m still in love with my ex”

Well what the hell am I meant to say to that? Needless to say I felt incredibly insecure and stupid and pathetic. It was awful, I was asking questions to understand what I’d done wrong whilst trying to hold back tears as much as possible. I’d never felt more like a teenage girl in my life.

Of course my heart wasn’t broken and it wasn’t the end of the world. He was lovely in his attempts to console me as I sat on a very cold park bench trying to look a bit less of a mess.I just couldn’t help feeling as though there was something fundamentally wrong with me. It was another “not this again” moment. I know I’m young and still have a while before I’m crowned spinster but it really does suck when you think things might go somewhere and then you get rejected quite suddenly.

I was more upset over the face another guy didn’t want me than because I couldn’t be this guy’s girlfriend- Just another guy to add to the list.

The annoying thing is we do get along really well, so whilst my emotions where going crazy I managed to stay reasonable. I didn’t (luckily) say anything I regretted and we both agreed we do like each others company and will stay friends (let’s see how that works out).

So there you have it.

Another friend to add to my list. Guess what though? still no boyfriend.

Tes.

I’m an actress

People tell you to think with your heart.

I think our hearts are self destructive, they’re risk takers, illogical and quite frankly pretty stupid.

So I try and think with my brain. That’s what it’s there for isn’t it?

Yesterday I had one of those awful moments where you run into someone from your past, someone that you still hoped would be a part of your present. What did I want to do? well I wanted to be illogical and get upset that he was there in the same club as me and get mad about what had happened and question what I still don’t understand. I didn’t want to go up to him and be civil and charming and act as though he was my friend.

but I did.

I walked up to him and tapped his shoulder nervously but feigning confidence, I said hello, smiled and hugged him and entered polite chit chat. He struggled to understand what I was saying because of the loud club music which was a little awkward but the fact is- I spoke to him. I was charming, confident and acted as though it was no big deal talking to him. I spoke to him as I was leaving to, just to say goodbye.

I probably will never see him or speak to him again. So I’m glad I listened to my brain, I didn’t want to be the girl shouting at someone who was just on a night out with his friends, someone I haven’t seen in two months and really hasn’t done anything terrible to me. Following my heart would have blown this out of proportion, thank god I was sober! Now I’m just a nice girl, I could have been a nightmare. I have been a nightmare to other people before purely for letting my heart or my feelings take control.

I’m still trying to figure out how to be an adult but lesson learnt yesterday? sometimes you just have to pretend everything’s okay and that you aren’t nervous or angry or whatever… Sometimes it’s healthier to be an actress.

Tes.

Intoxication

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It seems as though nowadays it’s impossible to be tee-total and social. Every event/ occasion/ meeting involves alcohol! I struggle to think of the last time that I went out without there being someone consuming alcohol.

It’s all fine though right? Everyone’s legal, everyone’s happy.

But that’s just it. When it comes to alcohol someone will end up being unhappy. It’s not even the case of people being depressed drunks, there are: angry drunks, people who are sick when they drunk, people who get too brave under the influence and do things they regret and worse of all- there’s always that poor sober person witnessing the mess and wishing they hadn’t left their home.

I’m not going to lecture you about how harmful alcohol can be for your physical health- that everyone knows and still chooses to take a gamble on. The emotional side effects of alcohol are what I’m more interested in. People seem to think of alcohol as a solution because society tells us that’s acceptable- That instead of growing up and dealing with our problems, teenagers like me should be doing shots to try and forget whatever stupid petty thing we’re sulking over. Truth is alcohol only makes things worse, under influence we only get more angry, more upset and we have even less control over the situation because we have less control over our selves.

This weekend I was forced to look after my friend and her boyfriend after they both overdid it on the alcohol front. They were having a tricky time in their relationship and both seemed to be drinking because of that. The result? Me and my other friend looking after these two people who were so embarrassingly drunk (falling over, throwing up, screaming and crying) that I wished the ground would swallow me up. 4 people’s nights ruined and the situation worsened.

I have nothing against social drinking but alcohol is not the antidote to my generation’s usually selfish and silly problems. I don’t think it’s about whether you’re old enough to drink, it’s more important that you don’t abuse the substance when quite frankly, most people cannot handle it.

Tes.

What are you thinking about?

Your know life is pretty damn confusing. I don’t think it ever stops surprising you.

I was speaking to my friend the other day and I said to her “I think I just think differently to other people” she replied saying “yea, you really do but I don’t really think anyone thinks the same” and you know what? I think she’s right. If we all thought the same way then there wouldn’t be any misunderstandings, we wouldn’t judge (or be judged) and we’d all have the same morals. Thinking in different ways is what makes life so confusing and crazy but I’d rather that than the alternative- a world where you’re essentially exactly the same as those around you.

I think every young teenage girl goes through a stage of thinking no-one understands them and of feeling completely lonely but now I’m older I realise that wasn’t really a phase, that most of the time there will be people who don’t understand you and that’s fine. What really counts is people who want to be able to understand you even if they have no clue what you’re on about.

Tes.

Comedy Central- why are you ruining Friends?

Although I appreciate that I am still able to watch the beloved sitcom on TV (where most of my friends had to run out and buy the box set when E4 delivered the bad news). I am appalled at how Comedy Central has decided to show us Friends. I’m sure everyone with the Comedy central channel is very grateful that they have given our good friends Monica, Rachel, Chandler, Ross, Joey and Phoebe and stable place to live but I have to admit, I preferred their old home a lot more.

I think we underestimate the importance of watching things in the right order.  It may only be me with the crazy  problem of having to see through “best of” episodes and wanting to rip my eyes out because you’ve missed entire chunks of plots and storylines. They mix around the episodes so much that you actually find yourself confused even if everyone in the English speaking language has already seen every episode at least once.

I for one am heartbroken… Friends belongs on E4 where there was a double bill everyday that went in a logical and systematic order. Where we could follow the character’s lives and actually understand what had happened to them in the episode prior.

 I almost feel that those without the Comedy Central channel had a lucky escape- they don’t have to deal with seeing something so precious being damaged. I didn’t think it was possible but they’ve ruined Friends.

Tes.