Self destruct in 5 seconds

We’re our own worst enemies.

It’s normal to feel emotions like betrayal. There’s someone lately who I feel has betrayed me, who has let me down and treated me badly and I feel like I need justification and an explanation of his actions for my own peace of mind. But you know what I realised? He isn’t thinking about me, he’s not feeling guilty about what he’s done, hell, he probably doesn’t even realised he’s upset me. I’m making myself upset by thinking about it so much, by longing for answers that I’ll never get.

We’re all so self destructive, caring too much about things and people who aren’t doing the same. Wasting energy is all it is. I’m going to try and forget people who have forgotten me when they were too busy being reckless.

People always have the tools to destroy others and often they will but if we’re a little less self-pitying and self-loathing we can maybe destroy the self destructive part of ourselves.

Tes.

I’m an actress

People tell you to think with your heart.

I think our hearts are self destructive, they’re risk takers, illogical and quite frankly pretty stupid.

So I try and think with my brain. That’s what it’s there for isn’t it?

Yesterday I had one of those awful moments where you run into someone from your past, someone that you still hoped would be a part of your present. What did I want to do? well I wanted to be illogical and get upset that he was there in the same club as me and get mad about what had happened and question what I still don’t understand. I didn’t want to go up to him and be civil and charming and act as though he was my friend.

but I did.

I walked up to him and tapped his shoulder nervously but feigning confidence, I said hello, smiled and hugged him and entered polite chit chat. He struggled to understand what I was saying because of the loud club music which was a little awkward but the fact is- I spoke to him. I was charming, confident and acted as though it was no big deal talking to him. I spoke to him as I was leaving to, just to say goodbye.

I probably will never see him or speak to him again. So I’m glad I listened to my brain, I didn’t want to be the girl shouting at someone who was just on a night out with his friends, someone I haven’t seen in two months and really hasn’t done anything terrible to me. Following my heart would have blown this out of proportion, thank god I was sober! Now I’m just a nice girl, I could have been a nightmare. I have been a nightmare to other people before purely for letting my heart or my feelings take control.

I’m still trying to figure out how to be an adult but lesson learnt yesterday? sometimes you just have to pretend everything’s okay and that you aren’t nervous or angry or whatever… Sometimes it’s healthier to be an actress.

Tes.

What are you thinking about?

Your know life is pretty damn confusing. I don’t think it ever stops surprising you.

I was speaking to my friend the other day and I said to her “I think I just think differently to other people” she replied saying “yea, you really do but I don’t really think anyone thinks the same” and you know what? I think she’s right. If we all thought the same way then there wouldn’t be any misunderstandings, we wouldn’t judge (or be judged) and we’d all have the same morals. Thinking in different ways is what makes life so confusing and crazy but I’d rather that than the alternative- a world where you’re essentially exactly the same as those around you.

I think every young teenage girl goes through a stage of thinking no-one understands them and of feeling completely lonely but now I’m older I realise that wasn’t really a phase, that most of the time there will be people who don’t understand you and that’s fine. What really counts is people who want to be able to understand you even if they have no clue what you’re on about.

Tes.

Growing Up

I wouldn’t classify myself as a grown up, I still have a lot of maturing to do but I’m getting there… it’s just taking an awfully long time before I feel sure enough to call myself an adult.

One thing I’ve learnt though this is that growing up means growing out of things. I realised I no longer fit into my girly pink bedroom and so painted it a deeper purple, I don’t go on social networking sites as often as I used to and I have to do lists on my phone instead of time-consuming apps. All these things are inevitable when becoming an adult, they’re just acquiring different tastes and thinking in a more mature manner and truth be told we all know that we’re going to have to change a few things as we get older because there is nothing worse than someone who doesn’t act age appropriate.

Although I may accept changing tastes and hobbies slightly, there is one thing that I never thought I’d grow out of…my friends. When you have people you’re close to and share everything with it’s impossible to imagine your life without them, they become like family and when you know them for a long time you start to see them as part of your future. Looking back on the past few months, it’s obvious how much I’ve changed and how unwilling I am to deal with certain behaviour which sadly my best friend has started to possess. Over the past few years I’ve had many arguments and fall outs as everyone does but I thought that was something I left behind with childhood.

On a daily basis I deal with people who are determined to ignore me or hate me because of some petty issue- that I can deal with, but distance in a relationship for no reason at all? It hurts a lot because I know there’s not much to do- we’ve grown apart because we’ve grown up and with that the friendship I once thought would be unbreakable has slowly started to deteriorate and soon enough will be too weak to save.

Tes.

Chamomile tea and procrastination

Those little foam balls they hand out for stress relief do not solve any kind of problem. You can squeeze a stress reliever all you want but I don’t really comprehend what problem is so easy that it can be sorted with the simple action of squeezing a piece of foam.

I’ve been having a super stressful time lately and have consequently met a new side to me that, I have to say, isn’t very delightful. Deadlines and everyone else being equally stressed causes my natural charm and general loveliness to evaporate in a matter of seconds and worse of all, I’m not one to repress my feelings.  I, unfortunately, am the kind of girl to scream at the person next to me for accidently bumping into me or start crying uncontrollably because someone’s Facebook status tells me my friend has ‘finally’ finished the coursework I was proud to have completed the first paragraph for. Needless to say that my hulk-like behaviour needs to be tamed and although my first instinct is to drop out of school and lose hopes of ever getting a degree or do anything with my life, I highly doubt my parents will support me in that ideal.

A lot of my friends do odd things when they’re stressed or nervous. My best friend pulls out her eyebrow hair (which is truthfully a lot more disturbing for me than it is for her), another of my friends just shuts everyone out and lives in their own bubble choosing to ignore the world around them, my mum uses relaxation and meditation and my fellow students opt for procrastination in the hope that their deadlines will forget about them and run away. My point is, that stress is definitely not recreational and causes odd or anti social behaviour which leads to fall-outs, tears and tantrums, not to mention the occasional unwelcome grey hair.

I’m sipping camomile tea in the hope that, if nothing else, some sort of placebo affect is created and I feel a lot calmer and less likely to go into a fit of rage. Sorry for anyone who crosses paths with the stressed-out-me, feel free to shout back or hit me if I become annoying (although I fear I’ve already crossed that line).

Tes.

What is Friendship?

I think a lot of the time we underestimate the importance of friendship.

Friends a lot of the time are the cause of unnecessary stress and there are numerous occasions when I would be more than willing to murder some of them but at the end of the day it’s so easy to forgive them for all of those things because they’ll do something or say something that shows them exactly why you chose them as a friend in the first place.

Whenever you ask people what is important or what they look for in a friend they usually say traits like loyalty, helpfulness and kindness but if I think about my friendship group these are definitely not traits they possess. My friends constantly tease and taunt each other and the amount of fights there have been because of lack of loyalty and respect to each other is unreal. In fact, we act more like enemies than friends and most outsiders or anyone reading this would wonder why the hell we remain friends at all.

The truth is, none of those things matter, I can deal with the teasing and the nonsense because they do possess the quality I value the most and that is understanding. Our friendships have all had to endure various problems, some trivial but some a lot more serious and that little group of teenagers that I call my friends, they were perfect in those situations.

I don’t know if this applies to everyone but I don’t want friends who are nice to me all the time, constantly compliment me and share the same interests  as me, I enjoy having an eclectic group of people that are definitely not perfect but always there for me and each other when it counts.

I can confidently say that that’s what matters most to me in my friendships.

Tes.

Valentine-less

I’d never seen the big appeal in Valentine’s Day. I’m not really the relationship type and most of the time would rather be chilling out at home alone than dolling up to go out on a date but my friends are the complete opposite.

It’s quite scary come to think of it, the amount of girls who actually get depressed over not having a Valentine. It’s just one a day a year, a practically insignificant 24 hours that is meant to be enjoyed by couples but no, single girls have to turn it around and just use it as another excuse to feel sorry for themselves.

I went to an all girls school for the majority of my education but now I’m in a boy-dominated school It’s easier to spot the girls who care about valentines (usually the girls being extra flirty and cringe-worthy as February 14th beckons) to be frank, I feel uncomfortable just watching them. It’s easier for girls to be predators, most of you will know that teenage boys who’ve been in a single sex school for 5 years will respond and make a move on anything that looks even remotely interested in them and at parties, under the influence of alcohol it’s somehow acceptable, girls making the first move can even sometimes be viewed as empowering but it definitely isn’t if the reason behind it is the girls fear of being alone on valentine’s day.

Worse than the desperation that comes into view this time of year is the girls who act indifferent. Well, I shouldn’t use the word “act” so lightly. There are a lot of girls who want to give the impression that they don’t care about Valentine’s Day yet in enforcing their indifference feel the need to moan and bombard people with very detailed rehearsed explanations on how little they care about valentines, how “It’s just a commercial holiday” and how “you barely even remembered” it was in February. These girls are even more pathetic than the desperate couple-wannabees. I have the strongest urge to shake these girls and tell them to grow up, it’s okay to be single on Valentine’s Day, it doesn’t mean you’ll have to live the remainder of your life as a spinster and if you’re so “okay” with it please please please don’t feel obliged to tell me why.

It’s the first time all my girlfriends are single on Valentine’s Day and the most recently single of us wants us to spend it together. A proper anti-testosterone day, I’m happy to oblige because honestly I don’t have anything else or anyone else to spend the day on but the fact that we feel there’s a need to protest and pretend it’s our choice to have no males present is admittedly stupidly childish.

For those of you in relationships, enjoy February 14th and those of you who aren’t, please don’t spend the day under your duvet crying to the Notebook. Either embrace your single status or ignore the date completely because people’s reactions to the holiday are truthfully a lot more irritating than the concept of the day itself.

Tes.