Sadness is like a drug. It distorts everything but you become so used to it that taking it away becomes abnormal. I don’t even know what it means to be happy. I have everything I need and a hell of a lot more but I can’t shake the feeling of sadness and it’s almost embarrassing to say that out loud because I know that my problems and insecurities and all that jazz are nothing compared to what 99.99% of the rest of the world has to go through. Every life comes with struggles but even the people with the darkest secrets and heaviest loads manage to be happy- so what’s stopping me from truly finding happiness? Not just getting glimpses and good days but being able to see the beauty in life again and never having to fake a smile. That’s what I want to achieve in this life.


I have enough friends…

let’s just be friends”…exactly the words I didn’t expect to be saying yesterday.

So I’ve known this guy a few months now and things seemed to be going great, we text every day and have great fun when we’re together- there’s even been a cheeky kiss each time we’ve met up. So yesterday I was looking forward to seeing him again. The day started of great, we were normal and playful and it was lovely but by a sharp turn of events he explained he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. I kept my cool, was calm and collected and then came the string of clichés and sickening phrases:

“It’s not you, it’s me”

“I just need to be single right now”

“If I’d met you 6 months ago things would be different”

“Any guy would be lucky to have you”

and then… “I’m still in love with my ex”

Well what the hell am I meant to say to that? Needless to say I felt incredibly insecure and stupid and pathetic. It was awful, I was asking questions to understand what I’d done wrong whilst trying to hold back tears as much as possible. I’d never felt more like a teenage girl in my life.

Of course my heart wasn’t broken and it wasn’t the end of the world. He was lovely in his attempts to console me as I sat on a very cold park bench trying to look a bit less of a mess.I just couldn’t help feeling as though there was something fundamentally wrong with me. It was another “not this again” moment. I know I’m young and still have a while before I’m crowned spinster but it really does suck when you think things might go somewhere and then you get rejected quite suddenly.

I was more upset over the face another guy didn’t want me than because I couldn’t be this guy’s girlfriend- Just another guy to add to the list.

The annoying thing is we do get along really well, so whilst my emotions where going crazy I managed to stay reasonable. I didn’t (luckily) say anything I regretted and we both agreed we do like each others company and will stay friends (let’s see how that works out).

So there you have it.

Another friend to add to my list. Guess what though? still no boyfriend.


What are you thinking about?

Your know life is pretty damn confusing. I don’t think it ever stops surprising you.

I was speaking to my friend the other day and I said to her “I think I just think differently to other people” she replied saying “yea, you really do but I don’t really think anyone thinks the same” and you know what? I think she’s right. If we all thought the same way then there wouldn’t be any misunderstandings, we wouldn’t judge (or be judged) and we’d all have the same morals. Thinking in different ways is what makes life so confusing and crazy but I’d rather that than the alternative- a world where you’re essentially exactly the same as those around you.

I think every young teenage girl goes through a stage of thinking no-one understands them and of feeling completely lonely but now I’m older I realise that wasn’t really a phase, that most of the time there will be people who don’t understand you and that’s fine. What really counts is people who want to be able to understand you even if they have no clue what you’re on about.


Playing games

There are certain unwritten rules and rituals that every teenager and young adult knows. Unwillingly we all obey these rules meaning we’re all playing games. What I am talking about of course is relationships.

Who makes the first move? Is it okay to text the day after you meet or is that too eager? How soon in to the relationship can you say ‘ I love you’ ? There are so many questions but  in reality there is not just one answer. Every relationship works differently. None of my friends approach relationships in the same manner because we’re all different therefore it only makes sense to have different approaches towards our love life.

What I hate though is the feeling that you have to do certain things when you first meet someone new. Courtship in this day and age is far from romantic- it’s stressful. Both parties realise they’re trying to leave a good impression but in reality are just lying to each other and themselves. Isn’t it best to just be yourself? Do what you feel is right instead of what you’ve been told you should do?

I’m far from a relationship guru but I’ve seen this game played in a million different ways and I myself have done this too. At the end of the day, It’s best to be yourself, they’ll discover the real you soon enough- better sooner than later right?

Playing games is something both sexes are familiar with and guilty of. As someone who hates the concept of relationships regardless- I think that relationships should remain a game-free zone. It’s easy- two people like each other, one asks the other on a date and then they take it from there. Let’s not overcomplicate things guys 😉


Lips as red as blood

Every time, every single time Im getting ready to go out I wounder whether I can pull of the red lipstick look. It’s become increasingly popular and when flicking through magazines I cant help but admire how glamorous girls appear with their luscious locks, impecable make up and striking red lips. I, despite my Colombian and Italian background, am very pale and teamed with my black curly hair I cant help but feeling like a reincarnation of Snow white when I apply a red lipstick but the few times I gather enough courage to embrace my “skin as white as snow” and “hair as dark as coal” I have noticed that red lipstick looks incredible… for all of ten minutes.

With all brave or striking make up you are forced to check up or re-apply various time throughout the night just to check that it’s still alright- looking and for me this is the biggest downside to red lipstick. I am in no way a makeup expert because truth me told I am too lazy to spend time in the morning making myself look pretty and am quite content with my dishevelled “natural beauty” so having to check up on make-up always seems to slip my mind and only the morning after (when I recieve 50 notifications on Facebook of tagged photos) do I see how desperatley I should have bothered to make a quick trip to the bathroom and fix my makeup, if only to prevent it looking like I’d snogged a clown

Possibly Joker-like smiles are not the only problem with red lipstick. Again this is probably only annoying to inexperienced make up users like me but I ALWAYS end up with make up on my teeth and for somone with a smile to rival Wallace and Gromit it is particularly difficult to hide the fact I am a failure as a girl and cannot apply lipstick (generally getting about 60% on my teeth and the remainder sloppily caked onto my lips).

What seems to be a tradition with my fellow red-lipsticked girls is kissing absolutley everyone you can on the cheek. This bizarre form of branding seems to only occur when women apply the red lipstick. Girls with pink, orange, purple- I have never seen them collecting people and tagging them with their lip imprints but apply a bit of red lipstick and BAM girls start to prey on the innocent cheeks of unsuspecting party-goers.

Following the point of lip imprints, It’s so inconvenient to have to drink out of glasses when wearing such a bright lipstick- you leave a rather grim lip stamp on all the cups that you drink out of which not only makes it very hard to slyly take a gulp of your friends drink when they’ve gone to the bathroom but it also is terrifying evidence when you see the 15 empty glasses with your lip mark on them and realise you’ve probably drunk a bit too much (once again).

For all those ladies who are confident enough to wear red lipstick, I sincerly applaud you. I think I am still lacking the overall glamour and grace needed to pull off this look. One day I hope to leave my house looking like an ethereal, almost-sexy Snow White but until then guess I need to face that a red-lipped me may not quite be up to the standards of “fairest of them all”.