It’s normal to feel emotions like betrayal. There’s someone lately who I feel has betrayed me, who has let me down and treated me badly and I feel like I need justification and an explanation of his actions for my own peace of mind. But you know what I realised? He isn’t thinking about me, he’s not feeling guilty about what he’s done, hell, he probably doesn’t even realised he’s upset me. I’m making myself upset by thinking about it so much, by longing for answers that I’ll never get.
We’re all so self destructive, caring too much about things and people who aren’t doing the same. Wasting energy is all it is. I’m going to try and forget people who have forgotten me when they were too busy being reckless.
People always have the tools to destroy others and often they will but if we’re a little less self-pitying and self-loathing we can maybe destroy the self destructive part of ourselves.
I think our hearts are self destructive, they’re risk takers, illogical and quite frankly pretty stupid.
So I try and think with my brain. That’s what it’s there for isn’t it?
Yesterday I had one of those awful moments where you run into someone from your past, someone that you still hoped would be a part of your present. What did I want to do? well I wanted to be illogical and get upset that he was there in the same club as me and get mad about what had happened and question what I still don’t understand. I didn’t want to go up to him and be civil and charming and act as though he was my friend.
but I did.
I walked up to him and tapped his shoulder nervously but feigning confidence, I said hello, smiled and hugged him and entered polite chit chat. He struggled to understand what I was saying because of the loud club music which was a little awkward but the fact is- I spoke to him. I was charming, confident and acted as though it was no big deal talking to him. I spoke to him as I was leaving to, just to say goodbye.
I probably will never see him or speak to him again. So I’m glad I listened to my brain, I didn’t want to be the girl shouting at someone who was just on a night out with his friends, someone I haven’t seen in two months and really hasn’t done anything terrible to me. Following my heart would have blown this out of proportion, thank god I was sober! Now I’m just a nice girl, I could have been a nightmare. I have been a nightmare to other people before purely for letting my heart or my feelings take control.
I’m still trying to figure out how to be an adult but lesson learnt yesterday? sometimes you just have to pretend everything’s okay and that you aren’t nervous or angry or whatever… Sometimes it’s healthier to be an actress.
Those little foam balls they hand out for stress relief do not solve any kind of problem. You can squeeze a stress reliever all you want but I don’t really comprehend what problem is so easy that it can be sorted with the simple action of squeezing a piece of foam.
I’ve been having a super stressful time lately and have consequently met a new side to me that, I have to say, isn’t very delightful. Deadlines and everyone else being equally stressed causes my natural charm and general loveliness to evaporate in a matter of seconds and worse of all, I’m not one to repress my feelings. I, unfortunately, am the kind of girl to scream at the person next to me for accidently bumping into me or start crying uncontrollably because someone’s Facebook status tells me my friend has ‘finally’ finished the coursework I was proud to have completed the first paragraph for. Needless to say that my hulk-like behaviour needs to be tamed and although my first instinct is to drop out of school and lose hopes of ever getting a degree or do anything with my life, I highly doubt my parents will support me in that ideal.
A lot of my friends do odd things when they’re stressed or nervous. My best friend pulls out her eyebrow hair (which is truthfully a lot more disturbing for me than it is for her), another of my friends just shuts everyone out and lives in their own bubble choosing to ignore the world around them, my mum uses relaxation and meditation and my fellow students opt for procrastination in the hope that their deadlines will forget about them and run away. My point is, that stress is definitely not recreational and causes odd or anti social behaviour which leads to fall-outs, tears and tantrums, not to mention the occasional unwelcome grey hair.
I’m sipping camomile tea in the hope that, if nothing else, some sort of placebo affect is created and I feel a lot calmer and less likely to go into a fit of rage. Sorry for anyone who crosses paths with the stressed-out-me, feel free to shout back or hit me if I become annoying (although I fear I’ve already crossed that line).