“let’s just be friends”…exactly the words I didn’t expect to be saying yesterday.
So I’ve known this guy a few months now and things seemed to be going great, we text every day and have great fun when we’re together- there’s even been a cheeky kiss each time we’ve met up. So yesterday I was looking forward to seeing him again. The day started of great, we were normal and playful and it was lovely but by a sharp turn of events he explained he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. I kept my cool, was calm and collected and then came the string of clichés and sickening phrases:
“It’s not you, it’s me”
“I just need to be single right now”
“If I’d met you 6 months ago things would be different”
“Any guy would be lucky to have you”
and then… “I’m still in love with my ex”
Well what the hell am I meant to say to that? Needless to say I felt incredibly insecure and stupid and pathetic. It was awful, I was asking questions to understand what I’d done wrong whilst trying to hold back tears as much as possible. I’d never felt more like a teenage girl in my life.
Of course my heart wasn’t broken and it wasn’t the end of the world. He was lovely in his attempts to console me as I sat on a very cold park bench trying to look a bit less of a mess.I just couldn’t help feeling as though there was something fundamentally wrong with me. It was another “not this again” moment. I know I’m young and still have a while before I’m crowned spinster but it really does suck when you think things might go somewhere and then you get rejected quite suddenly.
I was more upset over the face another guy didn’t want me than because I couldn’t be this guy’s girlfriend- Just another guy to add to the list.
The annoying thing is we do get along really well, so whilst my emotions where going crazy I managed to stay reasonable. I didn’t (luckily) say anything I regretted and we both agreed we do like each others company and will stay friends (let’s see how that works out).
So there you have it.
Another friend to add to my list. Guess what though? still no boyfriend.
It seems as though nowadays it’s impossible to be tee-total and social. Every event/ occasion/ meeting involves alcohol! I struggle to think of the last time that I went out without there being someone consuming alcohol.
It’s all fine though right? Everyone’s legal, everyone’s happy.
But that’s just it. When it comes to alcohol someone will end up being unhappy. It’s not even the case of people being depressed drunks, there are: angry drunks, people who are sick when they drunk, people who get too brave under the influence and do things they regret and worse of all- there’s always that poor sober person witnessing the mess and wishing they hadn’t left their home.
I’m not going to lecture you about how harmful alcohol can be for your physical health- that everyone knows and still chooses to take a gamble on. The emotional side effects of alcohol are what I’m more interested in. People seem to think of alcohol as a solution because society tells us that’s acceptable- That instead of growing up and dealing with our problems, teenagers like me should be doing shots to try and forget whatever stupid petty thing we’re sulking over. Truth is alcohol only makes things worse, under influence we only get more angry, more upset and we have even less control over the situation because we have less control over our selves.
This weekend I was forced to look after my friend and her boyfriend after they both overdid it on the alcohol front. They were having a tricky time in their relationship and both seemed to be drinking because of that. The result? Me and my other friend looking after these two people who were so embarrassingly drunk (falling over, throwing up, screaming and crying) that I wished the ground would swallow me up. 4 people’s nights ruined and the situation worsened.
I have nothing against social drinking but alcohol is not the antidote to my generation’s usually selfish and silly problems. I don’t think it’s about whether you’re old enough to drink, it’s more important that you don’t abuse the substance when quite frankly, most people cannot handle it.
As pathetic as it sounds none of us want to end up alone and that’s why we date, why we try, why we keep looking… we’re just trying to find someone who we can love and who (most importantly) loves us back.
But love is an ideal, that’s the problem isn’t it? I’ve never seen a relationship work out, never envied people in relationships because they’re never perfect and because someone always ends up getting hurt.
I dont want to end up getting hurt.
I dont want to end up alone.
It’s stupid really, that it’s so hard to find something that everyone is looking for. It may not even exist. Or maybe it does exist but not everyone’s meant to find it.
I dont want to end up with a broken heart- I’m fragile enough as it is… yet- I cant help but keep looking and I dont even notice I’m doing it.