Sadness

Sadness is like a drug. It distorts everything but you become so used to it that taking it away becomes abnormal. I don’t even know what it means to be happy. I have everything I need and a hell of a lot more but I can’t shake the feeling of sadness and it’s almost embarrassing to say that out loud because I know that my problems and insecurities and all that jazz are nothing compared to what 99.99% of the rest of the world has to go through. Every life comes with struggles but even the people with the darkest secrets and heaviest loads manage to be happy- so what’s stopping me from truly finding happiness? Not just getting glimpses and good days but being able to see the beauty in life again and never having to fake a smile. That’s what I want to achieve in this life.

Tes.

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Self destruct in 5 seconds

We’re our own worst enemies.

It’s normal to feel emotions like betrayal. There’s someone lately who I feel has betrayed me, who has let me down and treated me badly and I feel like I need justification and an explanation of his actions for my own peace of mind. But you know what I realised? He isn’t thinking about me, he’s not feeling guilty about what he’s done, hell, he probably doesn’t even realised he’s upset me. I’m making myself upset by thinking about it so much, by longing for answers that I’ll never get.

We’re all so self destructive, caring too much about things and people who aren’t doing the same. Wasting energy is all it is. I’m going to try and forget people who have forgotten me when they were too busy being reckless.

People always have the tools to destroy others and often they will but if we’re a little less self-pitying and self-loathing we can maybe destroy the self destructive part of ourselves.

Tes.

I have enough friends…

let’s just be friends”…exactly the words I didn’t expect to be saying yesterday.

So I’ve known this guy a few months now and things seemed to be going great, we text every day and have great fun when we’re together- there’s even been a cheeky kiss each time we’ve met up. So yesterday I was looking forward to seeing him again. The day started of great, we were normal and playful and it was lovely but by a sharp turn of events he explained he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. I kept my cool, was calm and collected and then came the string of clichés and sickening phrases:

“It’s not you, it’s me”

“I just need to be single right now”

“If I’d met you 6 months ago things would be different”

“Any guy would be lucky to have you”

and then… “I’m still in love with my ex”

Well what the hell am I meant to say to that? Needless to say I felt incredibly insecure and stupid and pathetic. It was awful, I was asking questions to understand what I’d done wrong whilst trying to hold back tears as much as possible. I’d never felt more like a teenage girl in my life.

Of course my heart wasn’t broken and it wasn’t the end of the world. He was lovely in his attempts to console me as I sat on a very cold park bench trying to look a bit less of a mess.I just couldn’t help feeling as though there was something fundamentally wrong with me. It was another “not this again” moment. I know I’m young and still have a while before I’m crowned spinster but it really does suck when you think things might go somewhere and then you get rejected quite suddenly.

I was more upset over the face another guy didn’t want me than because I couldn’t be this guy’s girlfriend- Just another guy to add to the list.

The annoying thing is we do get along really well, so whilst my emotions where going crazy I managed to stay reasonable. I didn’t (luckily) say anything I regretted and we both agreed we do like each others company and will stay friends (let’s see how that works out).

So there you have it.

Another friend to add to my list. Guess what though? still no boyfriend.

Tes.

Daydreaming a song

I’ve always loved singing, I’ve been in choir all my life but I’m more of a singing in the shower girl and tend to pretend I’m not that good purely because I think my friends would be quite surprised if I suddenly unleashed my love for music after hiding it for so long. In addition to singing I love writing, mostly poetry but unfortunately I haven’t been able to write a lot lately because I’ve been so busy with my studies. Today as a bit of a break from revision I went to catch up on my poetry and looking back in my notebook I found an unfinished poem, I didn’t really like it but I liked the emotions I had behind it and I remembered exactly when and why I wrote it. I tried writing another poem and it didnt feel right. So… I tried my hand at songwriting. Here’s the end result- tell me what you think (unless you think it really sucks and in that case just ignore it haha).

 

My Song:

They never really teach you ‘bout love

Its just an urban myth

A fairytale, a goal, something we aim to be in

But then when I saw you, I thought that finally…

I’d understand

Ohhh ohhh

 

Now I’m wishing I’d never let go…

 that easily of my pride.

So used to being careful

and now there’s nothing left to hide behind

Guess at least now I know

What it feels to be in love

And although it’s a fairy-tale

It’s not one I’m that fond of

In my eyes you were flawless

And that’s what made me scared

I knew from the beginning

That it was destined to end

But I let you fool me into thinking

That you really cared

 

Chorus

(bridge)

At the time it felt right

To just let you love me

But now look what it’s done

What was meant to be love

Has not only broke my heart

But it helped you to break me

 

Chorus x2

 

So thanks for teaching me

What it means to be in love

I’m building up my walls again

Now you’ve proved that I’m not tough

And thanks for all the memories

That I never can erase

Love I will forget about

But you? Well no one forgets pain.

Ohhh. (fade out)

well there it is, I may record myself singing it if anyone wants? well let me know

Tes.