Sadness is like a drug. It distorts everything but you become so used to it that taking it away becomes abnormal. I don’t even know what it means to be happy. I have everything I need and a hell of a lot more but I can’t shake the feeling of sadness and it’s almost embarrassing to say that out loud because I know that my problems and insecurities and all that jazz are nothing compared to what 99.99% of the rest of the world has to go through. Every life comes with struggles but even the people with the darkest secrets and heaviest loads manage to be happy- so what’s stopping me from truly finding happiness? Not just getting glimpses and good days but being able to see the beauty in life again and never having to fake a smile. That’s what I want to achieve in this life.
Everyone told me that 18 is the best age- legal and able to do anything I want but still young enough for it to be okay to mess up. I’m not so sure. See, being 18 has had it’s perks, I can drink legally, live by myself and go clubbing- all the things I’d dreamed of since I was a little girl.
But thinking of all these perks, well, It’s made me very aware of how quickly I’m ‘growing up’. I mean I’m 18. I don’t live with my parents any more, I’ve taken out loans and am in control of my own finances, I buy my own groceries and cleaning products. In short, I look after myself now and It’s bloody terrifying.
It almost feels as though as we get older and our lives become more serious and hectic, we simultaneously decide that we have to be less reliant on others. Call me naive but isn’t this when we most need the support of others?
I was in such a rush to get here. To finally have complete control of my whole life and now I understand why people told me to be a kid, I’d give anything to relive my childhood, where my mum could fix all my problems and when I thought independence was choosing my own outfit.
Life isn’t simple any more and whilst it is more real now and more exciting… I cant help feeling a little nostalgic at times and wishing that someone would take me back to when every day was an adventure, when life still seemed so beautiful and I didn’t have to worry about a damn thing.