I’m an actress

People tell you to think with your heart.

I think our hearts are self destructive, they’re risk takers, illogical and quite frankly pretty stupid.

So I try and think with my brain. That’s what it’s there for isn’t it?

Yesterday I had one of those awful moments where you run into someone from your past, someone that you still hoped would be a part of your present. What did I want to do? well I wanted to be illogical and get upset that he was there in the same club as me and get mad about what had happened and question what I still don’t understand. I didn’t want to go up to him and be civil and charming and act as though he was my friend.

but I did.

I walked up to him and tapped his shoulder nervously but feigning confidence, I said hello, smiled and hugged him and entered polite chit chat. He struggled to understand what I was saying because of the loud club music which was a little awkward but the fact is- I spoke to him. I was charming, confident and acted as though it was no big deal talking to him. I spoke to him as I was leaving to, just to say goodbye.

I probably will never see him or speak to him again. So I’m glad I listened to my brain, I didn’t want to be the girl shouting at someone who was just on a night out with his friends, someone I haven’t seen in two months and really hasn’t done anything terrible to me. Following my heart would have blown this out of proportion, thank god I was sober! Now I’m just a nice girl, I could have been a nightmare. I have been a nightmare to other people before purely for letting my heart or my feelings take control.

I’m still trying to figure out how to be an adult but lesson learnt yesterday? sometimes you just have to pretend everything’s okay and that you aren’t nervous or angry or whatever… Sometimes it’s healthier to be an actress.

Tes.

Advertisements

Take me back

Everyone told me that 18 is the best age- legal and able to do anything I want but still young enough for it to be okay to mess up. I’m not so sure. See, being 18 has had it’s perks, I can drink legally, live by myself and go clubbing- all the things I’d dreamed of since I was a little girl.

But thinking of all these perks, well, It’s made me very aware of how quickly I’m ‘growing up’. I mean I’m 18. I don’t live with my parents any more, I’ve taken out loans and am in control of my own finances, I buy my own groceries and cleaning products. In short, I look after myself now and It’s bloody terrifying.

It almost feels as though as we get older and our lives become more serious and hectic, we simultaneously decide that we have to be less reliant on others. Call me naive but isn’t this when we most need the support of others?

I was in such a rush to get here. To finally have complete control of my whole life and now I understand why people told me to be a kid, I’d give anything to relive my childhood, where my mum could fix all my problems and when I thought independence was choosing my own outfit.

Life isn’t simple any more and whilst it is more real now and more exciting… I cant help feeling a little nostalgic at times and wishing that someone would take me back to when every day was an adventure, when life still seemed so beautiful and I didn’t have to worry about a damn thing.

Tes.

What are you thinking about?

Your know life is pretty damn confusing. I don’t think it ever stops surprising you.

I was speaking to my friend the other day and I said to her “I think I just think differently to other people” she replied saying “yea, you really do but I don’t really think anyone thinks the same” and you know what? I think she’s right. If we all thought the same way then there wouldn’t be any misunderstandings, we wouldn’t judge (or be judged) and we’d all have the same morals. Thinking in different ways is what makes life so confusing and crazy but I’d rather that than the alternative- a world where you’re essentially exactly the same as those around you.

I think every young teenage girl goes through a stage of thinking no-one understands them and of feeling completely lonely but now I’m older I realise that wasn’t really a phase, that most of the time there will be people who don’t understand you and that’s fine. What really counts is people who want to be able to understand you even if they have no clue what you’re on about.

Tes.

Growing Up

I wouldn’t classify myself as a grown up, I still have a lot of maturing to do but I’m getting there… it’s just taking an awfully long time before I feel sure enough to call myself an adult.

One thing I’ve learnt though this is that growing up means growing out of things. I realised I no longer fit into my girly pink bedroom and so painted it a deeper purple, I don’t go on social networking sites as often as I used to and I have to do lists on my phone instead of time-consuming apps. All these things are inevitable when becoming an adult, they’re just acquiring different tastes and thinking in a more mature manner and truth be told we all know that we’re going to have to change a few things as we get older because there is nothing worse than someone who doesn’t act age appropriate.

Although I may accept changing tastes and hobbies slightly, there is one thing that I never thought I’d grow out of…my friends. When you have people you’re close to and share everything with it’s impossible to imagine your life without them, they become like family and when you know them for a long time you start to see them as part of your future. Looking back on the past few months, it’s obvious how much I’ve changed and how unwilling I am to deal with certain behaviour which sadly my best friend has started to possess. Over the past few years I’ve had many arguments and fall outs as everyone does but I thought that was something I left behind with childhood.

On a daily basis I deal with people who are determined to ignore me or hate me because of some petty issue- that I can deal with, but distance in a relationship for no reason at all? It hurts a lot because I know there’s not much to do- we’ve grown apart because we’ve grown up and with that the friendship I once thought would be unbreakable has slowly started to deteriorate and soon enough will be too weak to save.

Tes.