Self destruct in 5 seconds

We’re our own worst enemies.

It’s normal to feel emotions like betrayal. There’s someone lately who I feel has betrayed me, who has let me down and treated me badly and I feel like I need justification and an explanation of his actions for my own peace of mind. But you know what I realised? He isn’t thinking about me, he’s not feeling guilty about what he’s done, hell, he probably doesn’t even realised he’s upset me. I’m making myself upset by thinking about it so much, by longing for answers that I’ll never get.

We’re all so self destructive, caring too much about things and people who aren’t doing the same. Wasting energy is all it is. I’m going to try and forget people who have forgotten me when they were too busy being reckless.

People always have the tools to destroy others and often they will but if we’re a little less self-pitying and self-loathing we can maybe destroy the self destructive part of ourselves.

Tes.

I’m an actress

People tell you to think with your heart.

I think our hearts are self destructive, they’re risk takers, illogical and quite frankly pretty stupid.

So I try and think with my brain. That’s what it’s there for isn’t it?

Yesterday I had one of those awful moments where you run into someone from your past, someone that you still hoped would be a part of your present. What did I want to do? well I wanted to be illogical and get upset that he was there in the same club as me and get mad about what had happened and question what I still don’t understand. I didn’t want to go up to him and be civil and charming and act as though he was my friend.

but I did.

I walked up to him and tapped his shoulder nervously but feigning confidence, I said hello, smiled and hugged him and entered polite chit chat. He struggled to understand what I was saying because of the loud club music which was a little awkward but the fact is- I spoke to him. I was charming, confident and acted as though it was no big deal talking to him. I spoke to him as I was leaving to, just to say goodbye.

I probably will never see him or speak to him again. So I’m glad I listened to my brain, I didn’t want to be the girl shouting at someone who was just on a night out with his friends, someone I haven’t seen in two months and really hasn’t done anything terrible to me. Following my heart would have blown this out of proportion, thank god I was sober! Now I’m just a nice girl, I could have been a nightmare. I have been a nightmare to other people before purely for letting my heart or my feelings take control.

I’m still trying to figure out how to be an adult but lesson learnt yesterday? sometimes you just have to pretend everything’s okay and that you aren’t nervous or angry or whatever… Sometimes it’s healthier to be an actress.

Tes.

Intoxication

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It seems as though nowadays it’s impossible to be tee-total and social. Every event/ occasion/ meeting involves alcohol! I struggle to think of the last time that I went out without there being someone consuming alcohol.

It’s all fine though right? Everyone’s legal, everyone’s happy.

But that’s just it. When it comes to alcohol someone will end up being unhappy. It’s not even the case of people being depressed drunks, there are: angry drunks, people who are sick when they drunk, people who get too brave under the influence and do things they regret and worse of all- there’s always that poor sober person witnessing the mess and wishing they hadn’t left their home.

I’m not going to lecture you about how harmful alcohol can be for your physical health- that everyone knows and still chooses to take a gamble on. The emotional side effects of alcohol are what I’m more interested in. People seem to think of alcohol as a solution because society tells us that’s acceptable- That instead of growing up and dealing with our problems, teenagers like me should be doing shots to try and forget whatever stupid petty thing we’re sulking over. Truth is alcohol only makes things worse, under influence we only get more angry, more upset and we have even less control over the situation because we have less control over our selves.

This weekend I was forced to look after my friend and her boyfriend after they both overdid it on the alcohol front. They were having a tricky time in their relationship and both seemed to be drinking because of that. The result? Me and my other friend looking after these two people who were so embarrassingly drunk (falling over, throwing up, screaming and crying) that I wished the ground would swallow me up. 4 people’s nights ruined and the situation worsened.

I have nothing against social drinking but alcohol is not the antidote to my generation’s usually selfish and silly problems. I don’t think it’s about whether you’re old enough to drink, it’s more important that you don’t abuse the substance when quite frankly, most people cannot handle it.

Tes.

What are you thinking about?

Your know life is pretty damn confusing. I don’t think it ever stops surprising you.

I was speaking to my friend the other day and I said to her “I think I just think differently to other people” she replied saying “yea, you really do but I don’t really think anyone thinks the same” and you know what? I think she’s right. If we all thought the same way then there wouldn’t be any misunderstandings, we wouldn’t judge (or be judged) and we’d all have the same morals. Thinking in different ways is what makes life so confusing and crazy but I’d rather that than the alternative- a world where you’re essentially exactly the same as those around you.

I think every young teenage girl goes through a stage of thinking no-one understands them and of feeling completely lonely but now I’m older I realise that wasn’t really a phase, that most of the time there will be people who don’t understand you and that’s fine. What really counts is people who want to be able to understand you even if they have no clue what you’re on about.

Tes.

Comedy Central- why are you ruining Friends?

Although I appreciate that I am still able to watch the beloved sitcom on TV (where most of my friends had to run out and buy the box set when E4 delivered the bad news). I am appalled at how Comedy Central has decided to show us Friends. I’m sure everyone with the Comedy central channel is very grateful that they have given our good friends Monica, Rachel, Chandler, Ross, Joey and Phoebe and stable place to live but I have to admit, I preferred their old home a lot more.

I think we underestimate the importance of watching things in the right order.  It may only be me with the crazy  problem of having to see through “best of” episodes and wanting to rip my eyes out because you’ve missed entire chunks of plots and storylines. They mix around the episodes so much that you actually find yourself confused even if everyone in the English speaking language has already seen every episode at least once.

I for one am heartbroken… Friends belongs on E4 where there was a double bill everyday that went in a logical and systematic order. Where we could follow the character’s lives and actually understand what had happened to them in the episode prior.

 I almost feel that those without the Comedy Central channel had a lucky escape- they don’t have to deal with seeing something so precious being damaged. I didn’t think it was possible but they’ve ruined Friends.

Tes.

What is Friendship?

I think a lot of the time we underestimate the importance of friendship.

Friends a lot of the time are the cause of unnecessary stress and there are numerous occasions when I would be more than willing to murder some of them but at the end of the day it’s so easy to forgive them for all of those things because they’ll do something or say something that shows them exactly why you chose them as a friend in the first place.

Whenever you ask people what is important or what they look for in a friend they usually say traits like loyalty, helpfulness and kindness but if I think about my friendship group these are definitely not traits they possess. My friends constantly tease and taunt each other and the amount of fights there have been because of lack of loyalty and respect to each other is unreal. In fact, we act more like enemies than friends and most outsiders or anyone reading this would wonder why the hell we remain friends at all.

The truth is, none of those things matter, I can deal with the teasing and the nonsense because they do possess the quality I value the most and that is understanding. Our friendships have all had to endure various problems, some trivial but some a lot more serious and that little group of teenagers that I call my friends, they were perfect in those situations.

I don’t know if this applies to everyone but I don’t want friends who are nice to me all the time, constantly compliment me and share the same interests  as me, I enjoy having an eclectic group of people that are definitely not perfect but always there for me and each other when it counts.

I can confidently say that that’s what matters most to me in my friendships.

Tes.