Sadness

Sadness is like a drug. It distorts everything but you become so used to it that taking it away becomes abnormal. I don’t even know what it means to be happy. I have everything I need and a hell of a lot more but I can’t shake the feeling of sadness and it’s almost embarrassing to say that out loud because I know that my problems and insecurities and all that jazz are nothing compared to what 99.99% of the rest of the world has to go through. Every life comes with struggles but even the people with the darkest secrets and heaviest loads manage to be happy- so what’s stopping me from truly finding happiness? Not just getting glimpses and good days but being able to see the beauty in life again and never having to fake a smile. That’s what I want to achieve in this life.

Tes.

I’m an actress

People tell you to think with your heart.

I think our hearts are self destructive, they’re risk takers, illogical and quite frankly pretty stupid.

So I try and think with my brain. That’s what it’s there for isn’t it?

Yesterday I had one of those awful moments where you run into someone from your past, someone that you still hoped would be a part of your present. What did I want to do? well I wanted to be illogical and get upset that he was there in the same club as me and get mad about what had happened and question what I still don’t understand. I didn’t want to go up to him and be civil and charming and act as though he was my friend.

but I did.

I walked up to him and tapped his shoulder nervously but feigning confidence, I said hello, smiled and hugged him and entered polite chit chat. He struggled to understand what I was saying because of the loud club music which was a little awkward but the fact is- I spoke to him. I was charming, confident and acted as though it was no big deal talking to him. I spoke to him as I was leaving to, just to say goodbye.

I probably will never see him or speak to him again. So I’m glad I listened to my brain, I didn’t want to be the girl shouting at someone who was just on a night out with his friends, someone I haven’t seen in two months and really hasn’t done anything terrible to me. Following my heart would have blown this out of proportion, thank god I was sober! Now I’m just a nice girl, I could have been a nightmare. I have been a nightmare to other people before purely for letting my heart or my feelings take control.

I’m still trying to figure out how to be an adult but lesson learnt yesterday? sometimes you just have to pretend everything’s okay and that you aren’t nervous or angry or whatever… Sometimes it’s healthier to be an actress.

Tes.